Are You Human?

An anomaly in your DNA means that you have made the quantum leap to the next level of humanity. Conqueror of the evolutionary peak toward which the rest of us are still climbing, you sit confidently looking down on us mere mortals and laughing as we curse and sweat the small stuff. We hate you!

Phew! You answered these questions exactly as a human would and can now proudly proclaim that you are a verified Homo sapiens sapiens. Don't even consider for a moment that you also just proved that your secret habits are just as disgusting as the rest of your primitive race. Now, go eat sugar!

Are you constantly confused by your friends' behavior? Do you have to force yourself to be social? Our test results show something different from the human norm, a quirk in your answers that makes you not quite average. Unfortunately, you're not part robot. (We know you were hoping!) You're just smarter than the semi-evolved simian offspring you hang around!

With a brain the size of a planet, you are living on some godforsaken world in the outer arm of a spiral galaxy no one has ever heard of, let alone bothered to visit. What the hell are you doing here, dude? Stick out your electronic thumb and catch a lift from some passing teaser to get back into the galactic game!

No human could answer these questions as perfectly as you did, giving conclusive proof that your brain is far too logical to be made of goopy gray stuff! Inside your skull (do you even have a skull?!) is a super-efficient mass of circuitry running a master code that makes you absolutely infallible. Now go show this result to your partner!

Born on Betelgeuse, your ancestors migrated to Earth many millennia ago to form the basis of a secret master race. As a descendant of these mighty conquerors, your bloodline is the holy grail of humanity, and your subconscious holds the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Yes, really. So get out there and save humanity from their own stupidity. They need you!